I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
