I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
