You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
