Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
