Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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