She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
