It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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