Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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