My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So vagazzling was a success
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
