you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
