please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
