see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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