I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
