I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
