i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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