Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
