A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
