hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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