genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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