The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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