You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
