me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
