It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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