Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
