It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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