I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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