What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
