A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My first STD was from a foam party
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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