I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
