I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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