Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
