Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
