I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
