Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
