Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
