fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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