Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
