Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
