i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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