His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
