I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
