Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
