she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
