My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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