and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
