I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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