She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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