the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
