the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
