I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
