someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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