Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's rum buckets o'clock
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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